


Selective Memory

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural
Genre: During Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-05-30
Updated: 2009-08-29
Packaged: 2018-09-02 16:47:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 17,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8675110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: Another response to a challenge, this one was by The Huntress.During a hunt something goes wrong and Sam get's hit on the head, when he comes to in the hospital he doesn't remember who he is and where he's from. Due to a strange twist of words from his doctor he is lead to believe that Dean is his lover. Dean plays along for Sam's sake, But Sam has been in love with Dean for a long time and when he get's his memory back.... will he tell Dean that he remembers.... or will he keep on playing this game just so he can be with the man he secretely loves.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).
> 
>  **Author's notes:** another chalenge and another Wincest story. I hope this will work out because I'm not really experienced with writing wincest.
> 
> Slight AU since John is alive.

  
Author's notes: first one, hope you enjoy.  


* * *

Chapter 1: 

 

 

Sam rounded the corner, his machete ready to go and his eyes darting left and right, keeping track of every move in the room.

 

Dean was somewhere to his right, trying to come around on the creature of the week so they could box it in.

 

He moved slowly and surely as he tried to be undetected as he neared the beast, he raised his hand and moved forward swiftly.

 

Both he and Dean moved on the creature at the same time, raised knives and they quickly killed it off so it couldn't hurt anyone anymore.

 

They were breathing heavily and Dean checked if the creature was really dead “well, he won't be chewing on any innocent people any time soon” Dean quipped.

 

Sam chuckled and shook his head “moron” he joked warmly, his eyes slid over to his prettier than should be allowed brother and he sighed.

 

If Dean knew how he felt he's probably get his head bashed in and thrown into the gutter, not like that wasn't the place his mind took him every time he looked at Dean anyway.

 

There was a soft creaking sound and Sam looked up “huh” he said as he saw the cracks in the ceiling “strange”.

 

Dean turned around to his brother “what?” he asked and then the world came tumbling down, or at least the ceiling did.

 

The last thing Sam heard was Dean screaming his name in horror, then the world went black and he felt nothing for a while.

 

****************

 

 

the next time Sam woke was in a white room and a man with a small moustache was bending over him and tweaking the tubes leading into his body “Sam” the man said as he noticed Sam was awaked “good to have you back among the living”.

 

Sam sat up slowly and reached for his head “damn” he said “what happened?” he asked as he looked at the man in a white robe .

 

“You were in an accident” the man said “and you banged your head, lost consciousness for a while there”.

 

Sam looked around the room “where am I?” he asked and the man smiled “you are in County General Hospital” he said “and I'm Doctor Haspel”.

 

The doctor checked Sam's chart and smiled “seems like you will be fine, but I'm keeping you overnight for observation”.

 

The doctor walked around the bed and rang a nurse “could you tell Mr Bedrow that his partner has woken up”.

 

The nurse disappeared and the doctor turned back to Sam “so” he said as he handed Sam a glass of water “do you have any questions?”.

 

Sam thought for a moment and nodded his head “just one” he said and he frowned “who am I?”.

 

the doctor's brow furrowed and he grabbed his little light “this is unexpected” he said “a small concussion was logical.... but amnesia”.

 

He ran a few test on Sam, asked him a few questions but in the end they were none the wiser “I suppose we have to get your boyfriend in here, maybe he could shed some light on the situation”.

 

Sam's head shot up “I have a boyfriend?” he asked and looked around the room “where is he then?”.

 

The doctor smiled “yes you do, the man who brought you in told us that you two were partners” and he grabbed Sam's hand “he was very worried about you, kept threatening me to make you better”.

 

Sam smiled “I guess I'm very lucky to have someone looking out for me” he said.

 

“Sam!” Sam looked up and the most beautiful man he had ever seen, granted he could only remember the doctor from a few second ago, but he seriously doubted that there was anyone who looked better than this man did.

 

The man hurried over to his side and cupped his face “hey, Sammy” he whispered as he inspected the cut on the side of Sam's face “how are you feeling”.

 

Sam smiled at the stranger and placed his hands on top of the handsome man's “doctor says I'm fine” he said “but it seems that I have a slight case of amnesia”.

 

Dean raised his brow “wanna tell me how that slipped past you, doc?” he asked and cupped the back of Sam's head, feeling for a bump.

 

Besides the cut on Sam's cheek there was no visible sign of trauma so Dean was puzzled as to how Sam got amnesia.

 

“It's very important that we allow Sam to get his memory back on his own” the Doctor said “you shouldn't tell him anything unless it is absolutely necessary”.

 

Dean looked back at Sam “you'll be fine” he muttered “just a bump on the head, it will clear in a couple of days”.

 

Sam smiled at the man and reached out to lace their fingers together, he could see why he would fall for a person like this, and with the way he felt it wasn't hard to figure out that he really was gay.

 

His brow furrowed and he turned towards the handsome man “uhm.... not to sound stupid, but uhm” and he paused for a moment “who are you?”.

 

Dean's eyes widened and he smiled softly “that's ok” he assured Sam “I'm Dean, I'm your....” but Sam cut him off “you're my boyfriend” he said “the doc told me”.

 

Because Sam turned to smile at the doctor he didn't catch the surprised look on Dean's face, but it had gone when Sam turned back to Dean, the doctor had said that they should allow Sam to get his memory back on his own time, that he shouldn't push it, so Dean wasn't going to push it.

 

he startled a bit when Sam cupped his face and stroked his cheek “thank you for taking such good care of me” Sam whispered while the doctor discussed something with the nurse.

 

Sam remembered what the doctor had said about staying another night and he cringed “Dean?”he asked “take me home, I don't want to stay here for another night”.

 

Dean patted Sam's hand and nodded his head “no problem” he said as he walked over to the doctor.

 

Sam watched as Dean talked to the doctor and convinced the man to allow Sam to leave with Dean, if Dean promised to take very good care of Sam.

 

Sam smiled, he didn't think that would be a problem, Dean had seemed very worried and caring for Sam as he came into the room.

 

Dean turned back to Sam with a big smile on his face “get dressed little...” and he caught himself just in time “darlin'.... I'm going to sign your check out papers”.

 

Sam beamed at Dean and stepped out of the bed, he was still a bit wobbly on his feet so he stumbled forwards into Dean's arms “whoa, there” Dean muttered “I know I'm irresistible, but this is overreacting it, Sammy”.

 

Sam stood up straight and smiled “Sammy?” he questioned and smiled “I think I like it when you call me that”.

 

Dean chuckled “I guess you really did hit your head” he said and touched the side of Sam's face “the old Sam would have thrown a hissy fit and told me to call him Sam”.

 

Sam frowned and cupped Dean's face “I think you can call me anything you want” he said and he softly kissed Dean on the mouth, just a dry touch of lips before the younger brother pilled away.

 

Dean sucked in a harsh breath “are you sure you wanna do that, Sammy?” he asked as he took a step back “maybe you should wait with that until you have your memory back”.

 

The younger man smiled and shook his head “I don't need my memory to tell me how I feel about you, baby” he said “I can feel it right here” and he placed Dean's hand over his heart.

 

Dean smiled uneasily “same to you.... baby” he said and leaned in to kiss Sam tentatively on the cheek “now, dear” and a teasing tone entered his voice, might as well have some fun with it, more to tease Sam with once he gets his memory back “I'm going to sign us out at the desk, you get dressed”.

 

Dean turned and quickly walked over the desk to sign Sam out so they could go back to the motel, he still had to think of a way to explain why they were staying in motels.... let alone that they hunted everything that went bump in the night.

 

Dean smiled at the blonde nurse and for a second regretted that he couldn't do anything about it, but then his mind wandered back to his baby brother and he hurriedly made his way back to Sam's room.

 

Sam had gotten dressed and smiled when Dean walked into the room “hey” he said “everything set?”.

 

Dean nodded his head and lead Sam out of the room “let's go back to the motel” he said and opened the door for Sam, who was still moving a bit sluggish.

 

Sam frowned “we live in a motel?” he asked as he allowed Dean to lead him to the parking lot “why is that?”.

 

Dean smiled “we don't live in a motel” he said “but we're on a road trip together and we sleep in motels, for ambiance” he said and snorted.

 

Sam smiled “great” he said “we must have been together for a while, if we took on a road trip together”.

 

A nod from the older man “we've know each other.... seems like a life time” he said and opened the car door for Sam “been together forever”.

 

Sam smiled and waited for Dean to take the drivers seat “I think I'm a very lucky guy to have a boyfriend like you” he said “sweet, gentle and considerate, not to mention hot as hell”.

 

Dean found it a bit strange to hear Sam say those words but he kept smiling and put the car in gear “let's go get you into bed, ok Sammy” and he drove off.


	2. Chapter 2

  
Author's notes: they get back to the motel room.  


* * *

Chapter 2:

 

 

Dean opened the door to the motel and allowed Sam to pass him “we stay in places like this?” Sam asked as he looked around the dingy motel room.

 

Dean chuckled and threw his duffle on the bed “yeah, we do” he said “to.... save expenses” he lied and he placed Sam's duffle on a chair.

 

Sam sat down on the bed and looked at Dean “why do we have separate beds?” he asked as he looked at the two queens “I mean, I'd rather sleep in the same bed as you”.

 

Dean raised his brow for a moment “you don't even remember your own name” he said “how would you know that you'd rather sleep with me?”.

 

Sam smiled and stood up “you make me feel safe” he said as he slipped his arms around Dean's waist “I may not remember my name or where I'm from.... but when I look at you”.

 

Dean pried himself out of Sam's grasp “maybe we should take this slow” he suggested “you know, at least until you have your memory back”.

 

He walked over to his duffel and pulled out a pair of clean sweats, some boxers and a shirt “I'm going to take a shower, you.... dig through your stuff, see if you remember anything”.

 

Dean walked into the bathroom and closed the door behind him, he leaned back against the door and sighed, this was going to be a bitch.

 

He had been bi since he could remember and he knew, that from a strangers point of view, that his brother was a good looking man.

 

The problem was, that now Sam didn't know who he was and was acting like this, it was forcing Dean to see Sam in a completely different light and it was unnerving.

 

He moved over to the shower and turned on the water “Dean!” Sam's panicked voice came from the bedroom.

 

Dean hurried out and rushed over to Sam who was looking into his duffel “what?” he asked as he stood beside the younger man.

 

Sam's head shot up and his eyes widened as they connected with Dean's naked chest “oh” he whispered as he saw the hard muscles move under soft and freckled skin.

 

Dean followed Sam's gaze to his chest and he couldn't help but feel a bit smug as Sam was obviously impressed with what he saw.

 

“Sam” he said as he shook the younger man “tell me what's wrong?”.

 

Sam shook his head to clear it and reached into the bag “this” he said and he held up a nicely crafted knife, one of Sam's favourites “what the hell is this doing in my duffel?”.

 

Dean smirked “we got a knife kink” but it sounded more like a question than an actual answer “for some reason I don't think that is the reason” Sam said.

 

Dean's brain worked overtime to come up with an answer that wasn't to idiotic “you bought it” he blurted out “we were in this town... and you bought it, as a souvenir”.

 

Sam eyes Dean and smiled “so do I do that a lot?” he asked “buy souvenirs, I mean”.

 

Dean chuckled and placed the knife back in the duffel “no” he said “but we see a lot of the local sights, when we're out”.

 

Sam grew silent and watched Dean, he didn't find it strange that he was with this man, because Dean was gorgeous “can I kiss you?” Sam blurted out.

 

Dean's eyes widened and he took a step back “what?” he asked and he tried to think of a reason to keep Sam from kissing him.

 

The younger man blushed “well maybe I'll remember something if I.... you know, do something familiar”.

 

Dean didn't know weather to laugh or cry since kissing him was probably the last thing Sam would ever do “I don't know, Sam” he said “maybe we should wait until you get your memory back”.

 

Sam shook his head “no, I think it will help” he said “the doc said that I should do things I did in normal life, before I lost my memory”.

 

Dean rubbed his hand across his brow “Sam.... I” and he paused for a moment “I don't think that that's a good idea”.

 

Sam's brows furrowed “did we..... did we have a fight, before I got hurt” he asked softly “I mean, you've been keeping your distance and you seem a bit.... anxious to be near me”.

 

Dean chuckled and cupped Sam's face in his hand, something he occasionally did when he wanted his brother to hear him out “no, Sammy” he said “we didn't have a fight right before you got hurt”.

 

A smile lit Sam's face and Dean smiled back, then the younger man's face darkened again “do we ever fight?” he asked.

 

Dean stroked his finger along Sam's cheek “yes” he answered honestly “we fight sometimes, sometimes we even fight a lot”.

 

Sam's face saddened “are we falling out of love?” he asked and Dean's heart broke due to the tone of Sam's voice.

 

“No” He didn't know what else to say, when Sam got his memory back he could all explain it to his younger brother, but in the meantime he couldn't stand to see Sam so sad.

 

He gripped Sam's face tighter and drew hazel eyes back to his “no, we're not falling out of love” he said “everybody fights, Sam, you can't keep things bottled up” and he smiled “but we always make up, we never stay mad for long”.

 

Sam's face brightened with a smile and he slipped his hands around Dean's naked waist “so this making up?” he asked and grinned mischievously “how does that go”.

 

Dean choked on his own saliva and took a step back “Sammy” he said as he shook his head “I, uhm.... the doctor said that you should remember things on your own, I shouldn't help you to much”.

 

A pout from the younger man had Dean chuckling “that didn't get you anywhere before, and it won't get you anywhere now” he said and he pulled on Sam's bottom lip.

 

It had been a thing Sam used to do to Dean when they were kids, when their father would go on a hunt, leaving Dean and Sam behind, whenever Dean would pout little Sam would grab his bottom lip and kid that he must be offering it to him if he was sticking it out that far.

 

Grown Sam was a bit different though, grown Sam stuck out his tongue and licked the fleshy pad of Dean's finger.

 

Dean gasped and followed the movement of Sam's tongue, shocked by his brothers forward behaviour.

 

Then he remembered that Sam didn't know that Dean was his brother and he pulled his hand from Sam's mouth.

 

“You taste good” Sam whispered as he stepped closer to Dean “do you always taste like this?”.

 

Dean shook his head and looked away “I don't know” he said evasive, trying to get that fluttering in the pit of his stomach to stop.

 

His eyes widened when Sam reached for his hand and brought it up to his mouth “I think you do” and he licked Dean's finger again “and I wish I could remember what the rest of you tastes like”.

 

Sam held on to Dean's hand and extended his own “what do I taste like?” he asked as he offered Dean his hand.

 

Dean was being hypnotised by the hot gaze in Sam's eyes, never in a million years would he have thought that his little brother would be such a sensual being.

 

Without thinking Dean reached out and took Sam's hand, he brought Sam's thumb up to his mouth and ran the tip of his tongue over the fleshy pad of Sam's finger.

 

Dean closed his eyes for a fraction of a second, then he remembered who he was and who he was doing this with, he jumped back as if Sam had stung him and he ran his tongue along his bottom lip “salty” he replied.

 

Sam chuckled and caught Dean around the waist “why are you so skittish?” he wanted to know “I'm the one who doesn't remember, you know?”.

 

Dean chuckled because he didn't know how to reply to that, he turned his head to not look Sam in the eyes but the younger man didn't accept that and he grabbed Dean's chin “why are you so skittish?” he asked again.

 

Dean was forced to meet Sam's gaze and he blurted out the first thing that came to mind “you just got hurt and I don't want to make it worse”.

 

Sam smiled softly and softened his grip on Dean's face “for some reason” he whispered “I don't think you would ever hurt me”.

 

Dean's eyes widened as he saw Sam bend his head “I might not remember you, Dean” he whispered “but I feel like I've known you all my life”.

 

Dean chuckled as Sam didn't know just how right he was, then there was no more time for laughter and chuckling because Sam had lowered the remaining two inches and now their lips were pressed together.

 

Sam's arms snaked around his waist and settled on the small of his back, pressing their bodies together as Sam slowly opened his lips against Dean's.

 

Dean unconsciously curved his body into his brothers and gasped as Sam's tongue grazed his lower lip.

 

Sam took advantage of Dean's parted lips and he slowly pushed his tongue into Dean's mouth, for some reason Sam felt like crying, felt like he had been waiting for this forever and now he could finally have it.

 

Dean lifted his arms and they wrapped around Sam's neck, tilting his head up and giving Sam better access, a soft moan escaping his throat as Sam licked at the roof of his mouth.

 

The sound of his own moan flipped Dean back into the real world and he pulled away from Sam, the younger man not noticing the fear that flickered across Dean's face for half a second before the other man got his emotions under control.

 

Sam stared at the older man and smiled “well, I guess now I know why we're together” he said and brushed his knuckles across Dean's face “you can go take that shower now”.

 

Dean stepped back and hurried into the bathroom, he shut the door behind him and got under the spray as fast as he could.

 

His heart was racing and his blood was pumping through his body at the speed of light, Sam's kiss had been wonderful, it had been kind and sweet and perfect and somewhere in the back of his head he hadn't wanted for Sam to stop.

 

He turned to shower to cold and sank to the floor, you weren't supposed to feel this way about family, about your baby brother, and here Dean was, want coursing through his veins, every inch of his skin crying out for Sam, his baby brother.

 

The fluttering in his stomach turned to whirling and he felt himself becoming sick, he was lusting after his baby brother, the baby brother that his dad had told him to take care of, there was a lurch in his stomach and within seconds he was out of the shower and hugging the toilet bowl, throwing up what little he had to eat that day.


	3. Chapter 3

  
Author's notes: Sam makes Dean feel a bit better.  


* * *

Chapter 3:

 

 

Sam burst into the bathroom and hurried to Dean's side “Dean, baby, what's wrong?” he asked as he knelt down by the toilet.

 

Dean muttered something and took the towel Sam offered him “just a little nauseous” he replied as he wiped his mouth and swished his mouth with the water Sam held out for him.

 

Sam kept his hand on Dean's lowed back and rubbed slow circles on the small of his back “shhh” Sam soothed him and he draped a towel over Dean's naked shoulders.

 

Dean sat there for a minute longer, making sure the sick feeling in his stomach had gone and he stood up slowly, wrapping the towel around his waist “thank you” he said as he took the bottle of water from Sam.

 

The younger man had a worried look on his face and he placed his hands on Dean's waist “feeling a bit better now?” he asked as he pulled Dean in against his chest, cradling the shorter man in his arms “you scared me there, when I heard the sounds coming from here”.

 

Dean smiled and allowed Sam to hold him “I'm fine, I guess the stress of today really got to me” and he enjoyed the feeling of large hands stroking his back and shoulders in a soft manner.

 

Sam lifted a hand and tangled it in Dean's wet hair “you sure?” he asked and placed a kiss on Dean's forehead.

 

This was strange to Dean, this overly caring side of his brother, normally he just let Dean to his own device but now he crowded Dean and gave him all this attention.

 

He rather liked it, Sam being so protective and caring and he let his brother hold him for a little while longer.

 

He guessed that this was due to the memory loss, Sam didn't know they were hunters, the old Sam knew that Dean could take care of himself, this Sam didn't so he wanted to take care of Dean.

 

Sam grabbed another towel and started rubbing Dean down “I don't want you to catch pneumonia or something” he explained as he dried the shorter man.

 

Dean just stood back and let Sam take care of him for a while, he loved the soft touch of Sam's hands, the small caresses he slipped in through the drying process.

 

He closed his eyes when Sam dried his hair and slipped a shirt over his head and handed him a pair of clean boxers “here you go” Sam whispered and he cleaned up the towels and flushed the toilet.

 

Dean's stomach had settled and once again it was being inhabited by butterflies as Sam gently lead his into the bedroom and settled him down in one of the beds “we should both get some rest” Sam said “it has been a long day”.

 

Dean nodded and closed his eyes, tired and beat as he was, he couldn't keep them open any longer.

 

Sam pulled back the blankets and crawled in beside Dean “uhm, Sam?” Dean asked as he turned to face his brother “what are you doing?”.

 

Sam smiled and wrapped his arms around Dean's waist “I'm going to sleep” he replied “but I don't want to sleep alone, something tells me that I like sleeping with you”.

 

Dean thought back to when they were very little and how Sam used to crawl into bed with him after a nightmare or when he felt sad or lonely.

 

Dean sighed, he supposed he could do this for his brother, after all there was nothing wrong with sleeping in the same bed.

 

But his eyes widened when Sam scooted closer and pressed their bodies flush together and for a moment he thought that this was worse than the time he had spent in hell.

 

Then Sam snuggled up to him and touched their noses together “I'm so sorry that I can't remember you” he said as he rubbed his nose along Dean's “I wish I could..... I want to remember all of you”.

 

Dean closed his eyes for a moment and smiled softly “you will” he said and he opened his eyes again “doc said that it was probably a temporary case of amnesia, so you'll remember everything before you know it”.

 

The younger man pulled him even closer and softly touched their lips together “I love you” Sam whispered “I know I don't have all my memories, but I have the one's of today, and I know what I feel, I love you, Dean”.

 

Dean swallowed and forced out a smile, he had been wanting to hear something like this for such a long time, ever since he had gotten back from hell he felt like Sam had pulled away from him.

 

It had killed him, knowing that Sam lied to him about his life, about using his gifts and about him and ruby.

 

When the thing had happened with the siren.... it had almost killed him, the words Sam had said, the look in the younger man's eyes, all he had wanted was his little brother back, the little brother that looked up to him and adored him, the little brother who cared when he hurt.

 

Sam hadn't been that brother for a long time, it had gotten a bit better since they had defeated Lucifer and were now left alone by the angels and such, but the wounds were still deep for Dean.

 

He could still remember Sam lying to him and going behind his back to Ruby, he could still feel Sam's face when his younger brother had hit him that day, could still feel the pain he had felt when Sam had walked out of that door.

 

“I love you too, Sammy” he choked out and he wrapped his arms around his brother, pulling the younger man into his embrace and holding him tight.

 

Dean needed this contact, needed to feel that Sam loved him again, that he trusted Dean, like he did before he went to hell, before Ruby crossed their paths.

 

And he knew that this was testing fate, letting his brother believe they were lovers, but on the other hand he loved the way Sam behaved, and if he could look past the kissing, this was the best day he had in a while.

 

Sam carded his hands through Dean's hair and held the shorter man close “I know” he whispered and placed soft kisses on freckled cheeks “I can see it in the way you look at me, and I promise I'll remember you”.

 

Dean smiled against Sam's skin “I know you will, Sammy” he said and closed his eyes “I know you will” and on one hand, he was afraid of what would happen when Sam got his memory back.

 

They slept through the night and it wasn't until the sun teased Sam's face that the younger man woke up.

 

He yawned and looked down at the man in his arms, he didn't quite know what happened but he did know that this felt like the best feeling in the world.

 

He looked at the sunbeams that played across Dean's skin, lighting up the freckles and using lashes to cast soft shadows on Dean's face.

 

Sam reached up and ran his fingers along Dean's jaw line, the man was exceptionally beautiful and he couldn't believe that he got to call this man his boyfriend.

 

He smiled as the shorter man started to stir and squirm in his arms “hey” he soothed softly “Dean” but the man didn't react.

 

Sam chuckled and twisted himself so he was on his side, face to face with the older man “baby” he whispered “baby, wake up”.

 

Dean heard Sam's voice through the haze of waking up “Sammy?” he muttered as he reached up to rub the sleep from his eyes.

 

Sam chuckled at the child like gesture of the other man “wakey, wakey” he teased as he buried his nose in Dean's neck “hmmmm” he mumbled, you smell good”.

 

Dean snorted “you're so full of shit” he said as he tried to stretch in Sam's arms “hmmhmm” Sam said “not shit, you smell so good”.

 

Dean shook his head “I smell like sleep and sweat and maybe vomit” he argued as he tried to pull away.

 

Sam chuckled and shook his head in response “you smell like sleep and sunshine and warmth” he said “you smell like home” chuckling he pressed his nose back against Dean's neck and sniffed.

 

Dean giggled, although he would deny if anyone ever asked “I read that people with amnesia are usually very shy in the beginning” he said “what the hell happened to you?”.

 

Sam chuckled and curled up to Dean, draping his form half over Dean's smaller one “maybe the people that are shy, don't really trust the people they go home with” he said “I'd trust you with my life, don't ask me why”.

 

For a little while Dean allowed himself to relax and just lay in Sam's arms, revelling in the embrace of the other man, he felt loved at that moment and he felt warm, from the inside out, like he hadn't in a long time.

 

Dean tangled his hand in Sam's hair and breathed in the younger man's scent “you can, you know” he said and pressed a small kiss to Sam's cheek “trust me with your life, I mean”.


	4. Chapter 4

  
Author's notes: ok, I just saw Heaven and Hell again and I just had to go and make Dean cry.... sorry, when I think of thsoe pretty green eyes, I just felt like making him cry..... and make out :P  


* * *

Chapter 4:

 

 

Dean pulled up into a parking lot of a gas station and turned off the engine “let's go stretch our legs for a bit, ok” he suggested as he opened the car door.

 

The younger man followed him out, Sam had gotten steadier on his feet and the head injury was hurting less each day.

 

Sam insisted on sleeping with Dean and to be honest, the older brother didn't mind so much, he enjoyed having Sam's strong arms wrapped around him as he slept, loved waking up to the soft press of lips on his cheek or shoulder.

 

They hadn't kissed since that last time and Dean figured Sam was a bit apprehensive to go there again, what he was most afraid of was the feeling that had settled in his stomach, that slow burning need for his brothers touch.

 

It had become an addiction to him, sleeping with Sam, since that first night he didn't know who wanted it more him or Sam, but he knew that he hadn't slept so good in nearly a year then as he did when Sam was holding him.

 

Sometimes that sick feeling came over him again, when he would ponder about how he could lay like that with his brother, his own flesh and blood, but then Sam would smile at him and all would be good in Dean's world.

 

They went over to the gas station to get something to drink and eat “I would kill for a Pepsi right now” Sam confessed as they stepped inside.

 

Dean smiled softly and they walked over to the drinks, Sam getting two bottles of Pepsi and two of mountain dew for Dean “here you go” and he handed the two bottles to the older man.

 

Next were the snacks and food, Dean made sure to grab a bag of sour patched kids since he knew that Sam loved them “you done” he asked his brother and couldn't help but answer the bright smile he got in return.

 

After they had paid for their purchases they went outside and back to the car “wanna go sit over there and have some lunch?” and Sam pointed at a bench on a field of grass.

 

Dean nodded and they headed over to the bench “this is nice” Sam said as he sat down close to Dean “driving together like this, and eating lunch in pretty places”.

 

Dean snorted loudly “Sam, we're at a gas station” he said “beside a highway... how the hell is this pretty?” he wanted to know.

 

The younger man placed his drink and sandwich on the floor and scooted even closer to Dean “because I'm with you” he answered honestly “just being with you makes this place nice, Dean... being with you makes everything nice”.

 

Dean swallowed loudly as he gazed into honest hazel eyes and somewhere deep inside him a muscle clenched, he knew his brother meant it, could see it in the young man's eyes, but he couldn't help but wonder how mad Sam would be at him once he got his memory back.

 

But that was the last thing he should worry about when Sam reached out and cupped his face “did I hurt you once?” he asked out of the blue.

 

Green eyes widened “I know you can't really tell me anything, but.... the way you pull back when I touch you sometimes, I can see the hurt in your eyes” he paused and ran a thumb across Jensen's cheek “did I do that, did I put that hurt there... what did I do?”.

 

Dean averted his eyes “nothing, Sammy” he said but the younger man didn't believe him “I may not remember you're favourite colour... but I can still see when you're lying to me” he said “I want to know Dean, so I won't make the same mistake again”.

 

He thought about it for a moment and realised that there was only one thing Sam had ever done that had really hurt him, that had turned his life around and made him the man he was today, a man who was afraid of feelings, afraid to trust people and hid behind a stone wall of bravado and confidence.

 

“You left me” was the whispered reply and the younger man's eyes shot up “what?” he asked as he tipped Dean's head so he could look the other man in the eyes.

 

“when we were... when you were eighteen” He stammered softly “we were always together, did everything together” and he turned his head not to have to look Sam in the eyes.

 

Sam cupped Dean's face and turned it back towards him “We've know each other that long?” he asked and Dean nodded “I've known you since you were a baby” he confessed “you were my world”.

 

And nothing was more true, Sam had been Dean's world for as long as Dean could remember, he had fed Sam when he was a baby, changed his diapers, taught him how to count and until that one moment when Sam had left for Stanford, the younger man had been his world.

 

When Sam left his world had come crashing down, suddenly there was no more joking around with his best friend, no more sparring and no more teasing, now there was just training and hunting and more training.

 

Dean had thrown himself into the life of a hunter, when he didn't have Sam with him anymore he had given in to the fact that he was never meant to be anything more than a hunter.

 

He had accepted the life of his profession, the diners, the feeling of never belonging anywhere, of not having a home, he grew sad and lonely and he covered it up with a 'devil may care' attitude that he showed the outside world.

 

Until Sam left he at least felt like he was needed, like someone would care if he got hurt, that at the end of the day, when he came home from a hunt, there would be someone waiting for him, someone who would hand him a band aid and offer him a glass of water, made him sit down while friendly and soft hands cleaned his wounds.

 

Sam had done that a lot since he had found out what it was that their dad really did, he had taken it upon himself to care for Dean's wounds, not knowing that the most severe wound came when Sam had left for Stanford overnight, not even giving Dean a chance to get used to it.

 

Sam had kept it a secret out of fear for John, but he never bothered to tell Dean either, and maybe that hurt even worse, the fact that his baby brother didn't trust him, never had.... not enough to let him in on one of the most important decisions of his life.

 

“Dean?” Sam's voice cut through the memories and he wiped at the tears that Dean hadn't noticed began to fall “Dean, tell me”.

 

He sighed and sniffed his nose, slightly embarrassed that his brother had seen him like this, but he had gotten caught up in the memories of that day.

 

“We were.... best friends” Dean started and took a deep breath “you didn't like... where we were living and wanted to get out, I guess”.

 

Sam ran soft hands across Dean's face “you applied for college.... and you didn't tell me” he whispered “you told me on the night that you left, your stuff was packed and you asked me.... asked me to drive you to the bus stop”.

 

Hazel eyes widened and Sam's face showed his sympathy “you were my world.... and you left me”, green eyes bright with tears looked up at hazel “you didn't trust me enough to tell me you were leaving, I had to hear it on the night that you left”.

 

“I'm sorry” Sam whispered and cupped Dean's face in his hands “I don't remember and I don't know why I did it, but I'm so sorry for hurting you like that and I promise to never hurt you like that again”.

 

Dean wiped the tears from his face, cursing at himself that he let his guard down with his brother, who didn't remember that he was his brother and he sniffed “you can't promise me that” he said “you don't even know who you are and why you left the first time..... maybe when you remember you'll realise that I'm not.... maybe you'll leave again”.

 

“You're not what, Dean?” the young man asked as he gazed into greed depths “not worth sticking around for” because that was Dean's greatest fear, that Sam didn't think he was worth it, he knew Sam cared enough to not want him to die, but the younger man had left him, not once but twice, three of you counted the days he was dead when Jake had killed him.

 

“I know what feel, Dean” Sam mumbled “and I can promise you, I'll never hurt you like that again” and he lowered his lips.

 

Dean sucked in a breath when he felt Sam's soft lips press against his own and he knew he should pull away, but the past few days had been hard and exhausting, Sam losing his memory and the fact that for some reason he had turned into a bawling baby had drained him dry and he was just desperate for contact.

 

So against his better judgement he reached out and pulled Sam closer, parting his lips to let Sam's tongue into his mouth and he fisted his hands in Sam's jacket.

 

The younger man groaned and lowered his hands, wrapping them around Dean's waist and pulling them up so that they were standing so he could pull Dean's body flush against his “I'd never hurt you like that again” he whispered before he caught those plush lips back into a needy kiss.

 

At this point it wasn't clear who needed it more, they were both hanging onto each other, lips parting and closing as tongues slipped out to lick at the others mouth.

 

Sam grabbed Dean's ass and pulled the older man against him “feels so good” he muttered and Dean smiled against the kiss, because yes, it did feel good.

 

And that was the thing that confused him, here he was french kissing his baby brother and all he felt was need and want, love for the man who was holding him and a burning ache from deep inside that let him know this was right.

 

There was no more sick feeling, no more doubt about wether this was wrong or right, because in that particular moment of time it was the best thing in the world, he hadn't felt so loved, so connected in over a year.

 

He shivered when Sam's hands slipped under his shirt and clutched at the small of his back as the young man delved his tongue in deeper, tasting Dean and wanting more, needing more and Dean loved the feeling of being needed like that, the raw sensations of his brother clutching at him to get closer.

 

Their lips glided together and their tongues played around each other, Dean moaned when Sam licked his lower lip and nibbled lightly at the plush flesh, fisting his hands in his younger brothers hair he pulled Sam in closer, to taste more, to feel more.

 

Then he was being lead backwards and pulled into Sam's lap as the younger man sat down on the bench, adjusting Dean's knees so that he was straddling the younger man's waist and Sam dove in even deeper, his large hands squeezing Dean's ass.

 

When Sam pushed his hips up and ground his confined erection against Dean, the older man pulled back with a shock and quickly moved off of Sam's lap “what?” Sam asked as he stood up and caught Dean by the arm.

 

Dean looked around with wide eyes “uhn, public” he said shakily “we're in public” and that was really the only reason he could think of to stop, not the strange feeling in his stomach telling him that this wasn't Sam, at least not the 'real' Sam, because he would never kiss his brother like this.


	5. Chapter 5

  
Author's notes: ok people, all my stories are updated today (exception SFW) and this is the first one, hope you guys enjoy :D  


* * *

Chapter 5:

 

 

Dean figured he should take Sam to see Bobby but on the other hand that seemed like the most stupid idea he ever had.

 

Obviously Bobby knew they were brothers and he wouldn't accept that Sam thought they were lovers, and he sure as hell wouldn't accept Sam touching and kissing Dean.

 

He had found out in the past few days that he liked it when Sam touched and kissed him, after that day at the gas station Sam had been doing it more often, finding little excuses to pull Dean in for a kiss.

 

“Baby” Sam called out as he walked into the room “they didn't have a normal cheeseburger so I got you the double” and he put his purchases down on the small table “but I trust you won't have any trouble with that” and he chuckled.

 

Dean emerged form the bathroom dressed in a towel and he eyes the food on the table “nah, that's ok” he said “you know I'll eat anything”.

 

Sam's eyes wandered over to the other man and he grinned “you know” he said in a teasing tone “I think I've found something I'd like better than a burger and fries” and he stalked over to Dean.

 

The older man gasped as strong arms wrapped around his waist and he was pulled against a hard body “because you look damn edible like this” and he placed a soft kiss on Dean's jaw “hmm” he hummed when he trailed the cut jaw to plush lips and pressed his own to them.

 

He uses the momentary second of surprise to deepen the kiss and he slipped his tongue into moist heat “I was right” he murmured “you taste way better that any food” and he licked at Dean's bottom lip “so damn sweet”.

 

Then he paused for a moment “who's the top?” he asked out of the blue and he pulled away a few inches.

 

Dean's eyes widened and he gasped “what” he asked “what the hell are you talking about Sammy?” he wanted to know.

 

“Well” Sam started “I read on the Internet that in most gay relationships there is a top and a bottom” and he paused for a moment “so I was wondering, who's who in our relationship”.

 

The older man didn't know how to respond to that, what the hell did a person say to their brother when said brother asked who was the top in their relationship, he didn't know so he decided to let Sam take the reigns “uhm, you are, Sammy” he stammered out.

 

Sam's head shot up “yeah, I kinda figured” he said and that got Dean's attention “what the hell do you mean by that” he said insulted “you think I'm not 'top' material or something?”.

 

There was a chuckled for Sam and Dean looked up “no, baby” he said “that's not it, it's just... the way we've been interacting the past few days.... I feel like the... initiator the entire time and it feels familiar somehow”.

 

Dean nodded “I guess that's good reasoning” he said still a bit huffy and Sam reached out to pull him back into his arms “aww, baby” he cooed “don't get mad... I still love you, even if you are a bit girly”.

 

“I'm what!” and Dean tried to wriggle out of Sam's grasp “I'm not girly” he protested and he gasped when Sam pressed him against the motel wall and slipped his thigh between Dean's and growled in his ear “oh, I know there's nothing girly about you baby”.

 

He stilled as Sam licked the side of his neck and placed his large hands on Dean's hips to keep him pinned against the wall “did I ever do this before” Sam asked and he caught Dean's earlobe between his teeth”.

 

“No” Dean grunted “no, you've never done that before” not realising it was a strange thing to not have done with a partner you have been with for a long time.

 

Sam thought so and he spoke up “I've never ... nibbled your ear before?” he asked as if it was the stupidest thing he'd ever heard.

 

A nod from Dean confirmed it “I guess you were very... not kinky” Dean tried “I mean, you didn't do a lot of things, you know”.

 

The young man seemed stupefied at that statement and then a mischievous look crossed his face “well then” he smirked “I guess I'm going to have to make up for lost time” and he ducked his head to catch the lobe back between his teeth and tugged gently.

 

It was amazing, it was nine kinds of wonderful when Sam nibbled, licked and sucked at his ear, grazed his teeth along Dean's neck and licked at the sensitive patch of skin right behind his ear “oh, god” Dean moaned when he felt Sam's leg pressing against his erection.

 

His back was pressed against the wall and Sam was pressed against his front “Sammy” he moaned when he left his brother's hot tongue make a slick path down his neck to his collarbone and sank his teeth in the skin covering the hard bone.

 

Dean arched up into his brothers touch and let out a needy whimper, nothing he had ever done with any girl or occasional guy had ever felt like this, nothing had ever felt this right, this good and this amazing.

 

He felt hands at the back of his thighs and suddenly he was lifted and thrown onto the bed “Sam!” he yelped as his back hit the mattress.

 

Then younger man chuckled and covered Dean's body with his own “come on baby” he said and slipped in little kisses along Dean's jaw line “you taste soo good, want to taste the rest of you”.

 

Sam pulled off his shirt and pressed their naked chests together “hmmm” Sam moaned and he licked teasingly at one of Dean's nipples “want to spend the rest of the day getting reacquainted with you”.

 

Dean arched up as a skilful mouth sucked his nipple and yelped when Sam sank his teeth into the sensitive piece of flesh “shit Sammy” he groaned as he thrust his hips up”.

 

Large hands went down and peeled the towel off of Dean's hip and threw it across the room “you're so perfect” Sam muttered “so damn beautiful” and he nibbled and bit at Dean's collarbone.

 

Dean's hands were resting on Sam's shoulders as the younger man trailed kisses all across Dean's chest, licking and tasting every freckle on the older man's body “I should get a pen and play connect the dots” Sam teased as he fastened his mouth on Dean's other nipple.

 

The sensations were to much for Dean, the feeling of that hot, slick mouth on his nipples was making him loose his mind.

 

Then he felt a hand on the inside of his spread thigh and he mewled softly when Sam's hand cupped his leaking erection.

 

His heart was hammering in his chest, fighting to get out while his skin was complaining where Sam wasn't touching him.

 

The world had become so much smaller in the past few seconds, one moment it extended to getting Sam to Bobby's and now it was like there was no Bobby, there was nothing but them in that room, it that time and place.

 

Dean wished it could be like this forever, him on his back with Sammy in between his legs, doing wonderful things to his body, things he couldn't even dream about with anyone else.

 

He had been with a lot of girls and even the odd guy that had crossed his path, but nothing had ever felt like this, so right and wrong at the same time.

 

He felt like fire and ice, like hard and soft and he couldn't keep the moans from spilling past his lips when Sam trailed wet kisses down his chest.

 

A hot tongue licked across his stomach and down to his belly button, teeth grazed his over sensitised skin and nibbled at places that shouldn't feel good but did just because it was Sam.

 

Sam slipped up Dean's body and licked back into the older man's mouth “come on” Sam encouraged as he wrapped Dean's legs around his waist and ground his denim-clad erection against the older man's bare one.

 

Dean let out a loud growl when he felt Sam start up a rhythm against him, large hands on his waist to guide him to move with the younger man's slim hips.

 

Then he felt one of those hands creep across his thigh and cup his erection “so hard for me” Sam muttered “you're so fucking hard for me, I wanna taste it” and he started to slide down.

 

Dean could do nothing but let out small gasps as Sam licked down his chest and dipped his tongue into his belly button.

 

He felt his cock brush against the side of Sam's face and he let out a low moan “Sammy” he hissed when he felt a hand close around his cock and stroke him once, twice.

 

Then there was one moment of clarity in Dean's mind, one moment where he could think and it shocked him back to the real world.

 

He was about to let his baby brother, who had been entrusted to him by his father, suck his cock because he got hurt and didn't know who he was.

 

He was about to take advantage of the person he cared for most in this world just because he couldn't stop thinking with his cock “no” he grunted as he reached for Sam's head.

 

The younger man didn't seem to hear him and kept on stroking his dick, Dean knew it was now or never “Sammy, stop!” he ordered and pushed the younger man off as he jumped off of the bed.

 

Sam's eyes were wide with shock “Dean... what” but he cut the younger man off “no... we're not going to do this, Sam” he said “I can't” and he fled into the bathroom.

 

Sam was pounding on the door to let him in while Dean sank to the ground and rested his chin on his knees, how could he justify this, justify kissing and wanting to sleep with his baby brother.

 

“Dean, let me in” Sam demanded “what happened back there Dean, what's wrong?”.

 

The older man closed his eyes “just leave me alone, Sam” he said “just.... leave me alone” tears dripping down his face in desperation, confusion, disgust and unadulterated lust for his brother and he didn't know what to do, where to go from here and how to face Sam when he pulled his shit together enough to walk out of his hiding.


	6. Chapter 6

  
Author's notes: things heat up  


* * *

Hi guys, 

 

OMG, I'm soooo sorry for taking this long to update.

I've had a crazy couple of weeks at work and there was just no time to write, but I'm slowly working my wayup to my regular posting and I'm starting by posting a chapter of two of my stories today.

 

I just wanted to apologise to you guys because I know how utterly annoying it is when you're fllowing a stor and the auther takes to damn long in between updaes and by then you've forgotten what the stor is all about. I hope you guys can forgive me and I promise to never let it take this long before updating ever again.

 

hope you guys enjo this next chapter.

 

love you all and thanks for your patience.

 

Lots of Love, AcklesAddict

 

 

Chapter 6:

 

 

The last few days had been hard, and not in a good way.

 

Ever since Dean had stopped Sam and hid in the bathroom, things had been strained between them.

 

Dean didn't dare to get to close to Sam, out of fear that this time he wouldn't be able to stop this time, afraid that the next time Sam would touch he, he wouldn't be able to say no and that he would take that last dreaded step with his little brother.

 

He shot a quick look at the younger man who was folded over his laptop, searching the Internet for got knows what.

 

They were on their way to Bobby's, Dean figured that the company of the older man would be that extra threshold to keep him from corrupting his baby brother.

 

But Sam looked miserable, he had been since the moment Dean had shut him out and it was visible in every move the man made.

 

Dean cringed when Sam looked over to him, a bone deep sadness in those expressive hazel eyes and he quickly averted his gaze.

 

The nights were murder on Dean, he had gotten used to sleeping with Sam every night, used to feeling that tall, hard body next to him and not having Sam next to him was depriving him from his much needed sleep.

 

The worst was the fact that he could just get out of his bed and crawl into Sam's and the younger man would probably welcome him with open arms and a soft mouth, the fact that Sam was three feet away and he could hear the soft puffs of the younger man's breath weren't making it any better.

 

The next day was the last haul towards Bobby and Dean counted the miles of road the Impala ate up as he tried not to look at Sam.

 

Sam was quiet, and maybe that was the scariest about it, the Sam he knew would never keep silent for this long, he would chew Dean a new one before he would let the silence's get this uncomfortable.

 

He breathed a sigh of relief as they entered the Auto yard where Bobby lived and he parked the car near Bobby's own.

 

The slowly got out of the car, stretching sore muscles and taking in deep breaths of air before they pulled their bags from the backseat of the car, the trunk being off limits for Sam for the obvious reasons.

 

Dean knocked on the door and smiled at the bearded man opened it “Dean, Sam” Bobby said “you're here” and he stepped back to let the boys enter the house.

 

Dean had called Bobby while they were on the road and explained the situation as good as he possibly could.

 

They put their bags in two of the guest rooms and Dean tried to ignore the sad look Sam shot him when Dean chose to dump his bag in another room.

 

Dean went down to talk to Bobby, noticing the door to Sam's room was open and he heard the sound of a shower running.

 

“Wanna tell me what the hell is going on?” Bobby asked when Dean stepped into the kitchen “why does Sam think that you guys are boyfriends instead of brothers?”.

 

Dean sighed and leaned back against the counter top as he watched Bobby prepare some dinner “something the doctor said made Sam think that” he said “and the doc said that we should let Sam find out what was real and not real on his own”.

 

He tried to keep his eyes from showing his emotions but Bobby did what they did and he was a master at reading people “you sure that's all it is?” the older man asked him.

 

Dean adverted his eyes and nodded his head “yeah” he lied “what else would it be, Bobby.... I know we're brothers”.

 

The sound of footsteps on the stairs stopped their conversation short and Dean looked up as Sam walked into the kitchen, his hair still wet and his skin pink and clean from the warm shower he had taken moments before.

 

The younger man's movements were unsure and shy as he moved around the table and sat down on one of the chairs “showers free” he mumbled as his eyes never left the table.

 

Dean sighed and pushed off the counter “I'm gonna take a shower” and he eyed Bobby “you” he warned “take care of him”.

 

It was heaven to be able to take a real shower and change into clean clothes, he opted for a pair of sweats and a shirt, deciding to defy god and go barefoot, hoping Bobby didn't keep his living room scattered with rusty nails.

 

He followed the wonderful scents of a home cooked meal into the kitchen and groaned when Bobby planted a food laden plate in front of his nose and he dove in enthusiastically.

 

He insisted on helping Bobby with the dishes while Sam sat down and watched some TV, after the cleaning was done Bobby told them he had to meet a buddy of his in town and he took off in his beat up car.

 

Dean leaned against the doorpost and watched Sam as the younger man flipped through the channels of the TV.

 

His eyes travelled across Sam's damp hair, his cut jaw and the bulging muscles of his upper arms that were stretching the worn fabric of his shirt.

 

Suddenly his eyes were caught by soft hazel ones and he stilled in the doorway and swallowed hard.

 

Sam cleared his throat and stood up from the couch, slowly making his way to Dean and he stopped a few inches away from the older man “I'm sorry” Sam's voice sounded choked and Dean had to restrain himself from reaching out and wrapping the young man up in a hug.

 

“I don't know what I did, but I'm so sorry” And Dean could hear the held back tears that were clogged in Sam's throat “I don't wanna fight with you anymore”.

 

Dean closed his eyes for a moment and a sad smile crept up his face and he reached out to grab the front of Sam's shirt “me neither” he whispered and he felt his heart clench with the relieved look on Sam's face.

 

Sam stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Dean's waist and buried his head in the crook of Dean's neck to breathe in the older man's scent “I can't sleep when you're not with me” Sam whispered.

 

Dean chuckled softly and wrapped his arms around Sam's neck “neither can I” he confessed.

 

There were a million thoughts running through his mind, on how this was wrong and how he shouldn't, but the one thought that really stood out was just how good it felt to be held and touched by Sam.

 

He couldn't begin to think of what Sam would say to him when he got his memory back but he didn't have the strength to deny the younger man and he sighed when he felt large hands push at the hem of his shirt to get to warm skin.

 

There was a flash of dirty/wrong in Dean's head but that disappeared just as fleetingly when Sam caressed his thumbs across Dean's nipples and he arched into the touch of the younger man.

 

Sam pulled away from Dean's neck and blindly planted his mouth of Dean's plush lips, tongue demanding entrance as soon as their lips connected and Dean let out a loud moan when Sam bit down on his bottom lip.

 

He didn't want to be left behind so he reached down and pulled Sam's shirt over his head and had the sense to tuck it in his waistband so that Bobby wouldn't find any scattered clothing when he came back from town.

 

Sam sighed when Dean slid his hands down his muscular back and sank his teeth down into Sam's shoulder when the younger man pinched on of his nipples.

 

“Up” Sam urged as he tried to push Dean toward the stairs “we need a bed”.

 

And those might have been the most scary and beautiful words Dean had ever heard in his life and he allowed Sam to grab his hand, lacing their fingers together as his younger brother lead him up to one of the bedrooms.

 

Dean grunted when Sam slammed him up against the wall next to Sam's bedroom and attacked his neck with licks and bites as he fumbled with the handle of the door.

 

The second the door opened Sam pushed Dean through it and slammed it closed behind them before he threw Dean onto the bed and covered the older man with his half naked body.

 

It wasn't long before Sam had divested Dean of his shirt and they were pressing their naked chests together as Sam moved his hips in an unforgiving rhythm against Dean's.

 

Dean opened his mouth to Sam's insistent tongue and he dropped his hands down to flick the top button of Sam's jeans open and pull the zipper down.

 

Now Sam's jeans were loose he had no trouble to slip his hands down the back of Sam's pants and grasp the younger man's ass in his hands, making Sam buck into him with a needy groan “please” Sam begged softly as he placed kisses down Dean's chest “please, can we...”.

 

Dean frantically nodded his head, just once, he told himself, one night where he could just love Sam, where there was nothing in the world besides them and their love for one another.

 

Sam's fingers hooked around the waistband of Dean's sweats and he pulled them down, baring Dean's cock since he wasn't wearing any underwear “god” Sam choked as he slipped the pants all the way down and off of Dean's legs.

 

“Take your damn pants off” Dean ordered when he felt the rough fabric of Sam's jeans against the naked skin of his own thighs.

 

There was a soft chuckle and then Sam pulled away to comply to Deans request and this time when he covered Dean's body with his own there were two simultaneous moans when their naked bodies connected.

 

“Baby, you feel so good” Sam muttered as he caressed every inch of Dean's skin that he could reach “god, I love you so fucking much” and he sank his mouth down onto one of Dean's nipples.

 

Dean's brain checked out at that moment and all he was, was a puddle of needy lust in Sam's hands as he rutted against Sam, sounds that he never heard before were wringing from his throat as Sam grabbed his ass and pulled the cheeks apart.

 

“Don't wanna wait” Sam murmured and he reached for the nightstand, Dean's eyes widening as Sam pulled out a bottle of lube and threw it onto the bed next to Dean's side “I have condom's to but since we've been together forever...”.

 

Dean shook his head “those aren't necessary” he said, knowing he himself was clean and found it very hard to believe that Sam would be so stupid as to not use one, also he really didn't care at the moment, he just wanted to feel Sam come in him.

 

A shock coursed through his body when he heard the cap flip off the bottle and Sam slowly spread his thighs so he could reach.

 

He kept his eyes on Sam as he saw long fingers being covered with the clear gel and he trembled as he felt the first brush of slick fingers against his hole, not entering, just softy pushing, relaxing the tight muscle.

 

Sam was looming over him, lips and teeth nipping at his neck while clever fingers slowly worked him open, slipping in slowly, stretching and preparing him.

 

He took deep breaths as Sam pushed his finger all the way in “damn” Sam groaned “so tight, so hot” and he slowly moved the finger around in the tight confines of Dean's ass.

 

“Sammy” Dean begged “Sammy, come on” and he canted his hips up, he forgot what it felt like to be on the receiving end, forgot how good it felt, and it was even better this time, because it was Sam.

 

Dean reached out and snatched the bottle of lube, uncapping it and squeezing a dollop into the palm of his hand.

 

Slowly he reached down and wrapped his hand around Sam's hard cock “Christ” Sam cried out as Dean stroked his cock and slicked it up.

 

The tight ring of muscles fluttered around his fingers and Sam nearly went blind with desire as Dean let out needy little groans and canted his hips down onto Sam's fingers.

 

Then he nearly arches off the bed when Sam's fingers press against something deep inside him that makes his breath hitch and his toes curl and he fists his hands in Sam's hair and cried out his name.

 

Then the third finger was pressed in and he nearly lost his mind, clinging at Sam when clever fingers kept teasing that spot “stop fucking teasing” he growled as he nipped at Sam's ear “and get moving”.

 

Sam smirked and slowly pulled his fingers from the tight opening and wiped his fingers on the sheets to get rid of the excess lube on his fingers “Maybe you should turn onto your stomach?” Sam suggested.

 

Green eyes opened and Dean looked up at him with a surprised face “why?” he asked and Sam blushed “it’s easier that way, the First time anyway, hurts less” he blurted out”.

 

Dean frowned “how the hell do you know that” and Sam blushed again “read it, on the Internet” he said “You did research on gay sex?” Dean chuckled and reached his hand to caress Sam’s strong chest “don’t worry ‘bout it” he said “it’ll be fine”.

 

The real reason was that he wanted to be able to look at Sam, wanted to take in every little detail because he knew that once Sam got his memory back, shit would hit the fan and he knew that it would be bad.

 

Some little part of him found it strange, that he knew that he shouldn’t have sex with his brother, especially since said brother didn’t know they were brothers and yet in this moment, with Sam looming over him and touching him in ways that made his blood sing, he found himself not really caring about all that, consequences be damned, he wanted this.

 

Calloused hands were placed on Dean’s waist and a blunt object was placed against the tight ring of muscle where Sam’s fingers had been just moments ago.

 

“Go slow” Dean muttered as his hands gripped Sam’s biceps, enjoying the feel of those strong muscles moving beneath silky skin.

 

Sam nodded but couldn’t speak due to his clenched jaw when he slowly started to push in, letting out a hushed groan when he felt slightly bowed legs come up and wind around his waist.

 

It hurt, that was the First thing Dean registered, it hurt like a son of a bitch, the second thing that registered was the immense sensation that shot through him when he realized Sam was sliding in.

 

Never in his life had he felt this close to anyone, no other partner he had ever made him feel like this, like he was falling apart and the only thing holding him together were Sam’s massive hands that were gripping his waist like vices.

 

Then there was the warm and heavy weight of Sam’s stomach against his cock, Sam’s balls resting against his ass and that mop of hair buried in his neck while Sam’s mouth sucked bruising kisses behind his ear.

 

Slowly he slid his hands up and around Sam’s neck “ok” he whispered “Sammy, come on, move” and he impatiently lifted his hips to take Sam in just that little bit deeper and he heard the pained moan escape his brothers lips.

 

There was a moment of awkwardness when Sam First started moving, but within seconds the younger man had a rhythm going and Dean moaned when an eager mouth settled on his once again, a hot tongue delving into his mouth when Sam kissed him with all he had.

 

Their bodies moving in unison and Dean’s dick twitched every time Sam’s cock brushed that wonderfully sensitive spot deep inside his body “Sammy, harder” he begged and yelped when Sam obeyed immediately by pulling out slow and slamming back in.

 

Even though they’d never done this before it was like their bodies knew what to do, moving like liquid to bring the other the most intense pleasure imaginable while they worked towards their own release.

 

Dean planted his hand over Sam’s heart and revelled in the feel of the strong and fast beat of Sam’s heart in his chest, the feel of his brother so very much alive against his own body.

 

With ever thrust of Sam’s hips he felt the pool of heat in his belly grow larger and larger until it was pushing against every inch of his skin, begging to be released and he was moaning and keening in Sam’s arms.

 

Finally Sam wrapped his large hand around Dean’s cock and Dean came instantaneously. Slick heat spurting across his stomach, wetting Sam’s hand and his own belly with sticky heat.

 

Dean watched amazed as Sam’s face contorted in pleasure, eyes shut tight and mouth slack as he slammed one last time inside his brothers body before he completely stilled, his cock spilling his seed deep inside Dean’s body as he sank his teeth down into Dean’s collar bone.

 

He slipped his arms around his little brothers back and pulled him down on top of him, slowly caressing the sweaty nape of Sam’s neck and twisting his fingers into Sam’s damp hair while his other hand caressed and soothed Sam’s back and shoulders, his mouth against Sam’s ear.

 

Sam was gasping and panting, muscles straining when he came and then collapsed into a lax puddle on top of Dean, his heart pounding in his chest “shhhh” Dean’s voice whispered “it’s ok, you’re ok” and he placed soothing kisses onto the younger man’s jaw.

 

Dean whispered when he felt Sam pull out of his body and settle next to him on the bed, he reached for a shirt that was on the floor and he cleaned both their stomachs.

 

There was a moment of silence when Sam pushed Dean onto his side and made him into the little spoon as he settled in against Dean’s back “I love you” he murmured “I’ve never felt like this about anyone” and he kissed Dean’s neck “god, I love you so much.

 

Dean closed his eyes and grimaced, glad that Sam couldn’t see his face “I love you too, more than you will ever know” he said and entwined their fingers, knowing that this, them, could never last.

 

Sated and fucked out they fell asleep.


	7. Chapter 7

  
Author's notes: yup, I'm updating all my stories today so I hope you guys will enjoy this one, uhm.  


* * *

Chapter 7: 

 

 

Dean stretched on the bed as he woke slowly, his lips a little sore from the night before but he felt good and sated after what they had done.

 

He reached out beside him to find the bed empty and cold, letting him know that Sam had been gone for quite some time “Sam” he called out with a hoarse voice.

 

There was no answer so he pushed the sheets down and swung his feet to the floor as he looked around for his sweats and a pair of underwear.

 

He went into the bathroom and brushed his teeth quickly, wanting to get rid of the rank taste in his mouth before he saw Sam again, didn't want Sam to have to deal with his morning breath.

 

He padded down the stairs and looked into the living room “Sam?” but the younger man wasn't in the living room so he moved to the kitchen where he found Bobby.

 

A blush crept up his cheeks as he saw the older man “Hey, Bobby” he said and sat down at the table “seen Sam around?” he asked as the older man turned towards him and placed a plate of scrambled eggs in front of him “nope” he replied.

 

Dean frowned as he grabbed a fork “what time did you get home?” he asked as he dug into his breakfast and smiled in thanks as a glass of milk was put down in front of him.

 

“Bout one” Bobby answered “been awake since six” and Dean glanced at the clock, it was nearly eleven and if Bobby hadn't seen him then Sam was already gone by the time Bobby woke up.

 

Dean got up and looked out the window “Impala's still there” he noted “gonna check, maybe he's outside” and he got up and walked out the house.

 

He looked around, no Sam, but he had to be around there somewhere “hey Bobby, you sell the car?” Bobby had a car and a large truck, he usually took the car though.

 

Bobby stepped out onto the porch, frowning “no” he said “why would I sell the car?”.

 

A feeling of dread slipped into Dean and he moved to the impala and opened the trunk, several guns and knives were missing, Sam's guns and knives “he remembers” he whispered, not feeling Bobby come up next to him.

 

There was a feeling of numbness replacing the dread as he checked the back of the car and saw Sam's coat and duffel were missing, he felt his heart ache in his chest as he reached to the slip of paper on the passengers seat.

 

He picked it up with shaking fingers, Sam's handwriting painfully familiar, blue against the start white.

 

Only one word was written on the paper, one small word and yet it managed to kill everything in Dean, one little word and his world came crashing down.

 

The piece of paper was taken from his frozen fingers and he stared into the distance as the word sank in, he felt tears form in his eyes and he vaguely heard Bobby's voice in his head.

 

A hand on his shoulder startled him and Bobby turned him to face the older man “Dean!” Bobby demanded “Dean, what's Sam sorry for”.

 

“I gotta find him” Dean muttered, completely ignoring Bobby's question “I gotta find him” and he rushed into the house to the bed they had shared the night before.

 

He saw the crumpled bed and the shirt Sam had wore that night, the shirt that Dean hat peeled off of strong arms and shoulders and he broke, he sank down to the floor and buried his head in his hands “fuck” he swore “fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!”.

 

Then he felt a hand on his shoulder and he looked up into Bobby's eyes “wanna tell me what the hell happened, boy?” he asked as he pulled Dean off the floor.

 

Dean wiped his face and took a deep breath “that's between me and Sam, Bobby” he said harshly and he grabbed his duffle.

 

“Screw that” Bobby said “you're in my house, you're my family!” he said angrily “I wanna know what the hell is going on”.

 

Dean turned furious and he snapped “you wanna know, huh” he screamed “wanna know how I fucked Sammy, huh, fell in love with my little brother, wanna know that I'm such a sick fuck that I love him so fucking much that I can't think of anything but him, that I can't.... fucking won't live without him”.

 

Bobby was stunned into silence as he looked at the younger man “duh” he said “well, not duh about the fucking, but duh about everything else”.

 

Dean's head shot up and he looked at the other hunter “boy, you got a skull thicker that fucking granite” Bobby said lovingly and he pulled Dean up into a hug “you stupid boy” he said and hugged Dean close “I knew all that already, you've been in love with Sam since before he left for Stanford.... even your daddy knew”.

 

Green eyes widened “Dad knew” and Bobby nodded “yeah, and don't think he minded, yeah, he was a bit freaked out, but I told him that he should have seen it coming, loving Sam came as naturally as breathing to you”.

 

“You don't think I'm disgusting, don't think I'm a sick pervert, that it's wrong and bad and sick and I'm a freak?” he asked as he sat down on the bed and looked up at the older hunter.

 

Bobby sat down next to him and gave him a smile”Son” he said and placed his hand on Dean's leg “we're hunters, we kill ghosts, demons and ghouls... we dig up corpses to salt and burn em for gods sakes” and he chuckled “I think that on top of that whole pile of weirdness a little.... brotherly love ain't all that bad”.

 

“Listen” he said “Your daddy brought you up good, brought you up to take care of your little brother, in such close quarters.... this was just waiting to happen, now why did Sam leave?”.

 

There was a sad look in Dean's eyes as he turned to Bobby “he lost his memory, like I told you, the doc told him I was his boyfriend” he paused for a moment “last night, me and Sam we.... we” and he made a few hand gestures to get his point across as he blushed furiously and Bobby chuckled “never thought I'd see Dean Winchester blush like a little girl”.

 

Dean grunted “shut up” he said “Sam woke up.... he took his guns” and Bobby frowned “what's so weird about that?” he asked.

 

The younger hunter got to his feet “I never told him about the guns, didn't tell him what it is we do..... if he took his weapons, if he knew where they were... it means he remembers” his voice broke “he remembers and he left, he left because I.... because of what I let him do when he didn't remember I was his brother”.

 

A pause in conversation as Bobby thought about that “Why did you let him do it?” he asked “when you knew that he didn't know what you really were, why did you allow that to happen, knowing that when he would remember, that he would leave”.

 

“Because I love him” Dean whispered “because I love him in all the wrong ways and he thinks I'm a sick bastard now..... that I'm some sick fuck who would let his brother believe things, just to be able to make..... to fuck him”.

 

“But it's more than that” Bobby said “you don't just want him for sex” it was a statement, not a question.

 

Dean nodded “I want..... never mind” and he blushed again “you don't need me spouting a bunch of crap in your house”.

 

Bobby sighed and stood up too “Dean, I think you need to get it off your chest” he said “you've been walking around with these feelings for such a long time... tell me” and he paused to smile “I would never judge you for who you love, you're like a son to me”.

 

There was a long silence and Bobby thought that Dean wasn't going to tell him anything, that Dean had once again pulled back into his own mind, bottling it all up “I wanna hold his hand”it came out of nowhere, said softly and shakily.

 

“I wanna call him baby, wanna.... wanna fall asleep with him, wake up with him” and he laughed “fuck, I sound like a little teen with a crush, bitching and moaning how I want happily ever after with my little brother... in our gay and incestuous love”.

 

Bobby chuckled and squeezed Dean's shoulder “those are actually very normal feelings when talking about your true love” he said softly “just.... most people don't feel that way about their brother”.

 

Dean grabbed his duffle again and stuffed his clothing inside “I have to find him, Bobby” he said “I have to tell him, have to explain.... and if he still thinks I'm disgusting” a short breath “then I'll let him go, but I want him to know what he means to me”.

 

Bobby followed him down to the yard and held on to the open door of the Impala “call me if you need anything, ok” he said as he closed the door to the car “and let me know when you find Sam”.

 

Dean nodded and started the car “might be a while” he said “Sam knows how I think, how I operate. It's gonna be a bitch to find him if he really doesn't want to be found.

 

He revved the engine and pulled out of the lot, watching as Bobby waved once and then he spurted out onto the road.

 

He grabbed his cell and dialled Sam's number, he knew it was a long shot but he had to at least try it, it went to voicemail and he groaned.

 

“Sammy.... Sam, it's me” he said and he cleared his throat “look, we need to talk, you can't just disappear on me” he sighed in frustration “Sam, call me back, ok, let me explain... I need to explain, Sammy” his voice was breaking “please” he whispered “Sammy, please just let me explain”.

 

He heard the beep indicating that the tape was full, he shut the phone and threw it on the passengers seat hating the fact that the seat wasn't occupied by his pain in the ass 6 4” brother.

 

His hands tightened around the wheel and he pressed the pedal to the floor, he needed to find Sam, he needed to at least explain himself but most of all he just needed to know that Sam was ok, that was all he really wanted.


	8. Chapter 8

  
Author's notes: woohoo, a new chappie. hope you guys enjoy  


* * *

Chapter 8:

 

 

It had been almost four days without word from Sam and Dean was starting to get desperate, he called his contacts almost every day, hoping that one of them would have a clue to where his brother was.

 

He called Sam's cell everyday, the first few times were pleading and begging for Sam to call him back, to listen to him, to let him explain.

 

After he figured out that Sam wasn't going to call him back it turned to threats, telling Sam to fucking call him or he would hunt him down and kick is ass.

 

It was driving Dean insane, but on the 5th day of searching for Sam he finally caught a trace.

 

Ellen called him, telling him that Sam had been by the new roadhouse to ask of she had any cases for him that he might be able to take care of.

 

She told Dean that she had given Sam a case of a haunting in Illinois, Dean thanked her fiercely and snapped his phone shut.

 

He filled the car up at the next station and hauled ass to Illinois, to where Sam was “Sam” he spoke into the phone as the answering picked up again “you little bitch, Ellen told me you're working cases alone”.

 

There was a deep breath but he couldn't hold his anger inside “don't you fucking go hunting by yourself Sam” he said “let me at least know that you remember again what salt and shit is for...... you fucking call me, Sam”.

 

He floored the pedal and focused on getting to that address where Ellen had told him that Sam would be at.

 

It was a long and tiring drive and when finally Dean got there he just sat in the car for a few moment, taking deep breaths and trying to find his calm and centre again.

 

He walked over to the house and knocked on the door, a small blonde woman opened and smiled at him “can I help you?” she asked him.

 

Dean smiled back and nodded “yes, ma'am” he said “I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm looking for my brother and a friend told me that he might be here”.

 

The woman frowned “I'm sorry” she said “it's just me and my mother living here, there's no man” and she smiled apologetically “I think you might have been misinformed”.

 

Dean sighed and shook his head “my brother... he hunts” he said and he saw her eyes flicker with recognition “maybe you had something in your house” he tied “something that you didn't want in here.... and he got rid of it for you”.

 

She was good though, tried to play dumb and shook her head “we don't have a pest problem here” she said “never had sir” and he chuckled “you liked him, huh” he said “he looked at you with those puppy eyes and asked you not to say anything”.

 

He took a deep breath “me and my brother, we hunt supernatural things.... you had a ghost, right” he smiled as she nodded “well me and my brother had an argument and he won't let me explain” he told her “I need to find him”.

 

She hesitated and he looked at her, his eyes pleading for her to help him “this job he did for you, it was dangerous, right?” he asked and she nodded “did he get hurt?”.

 

Dean's breath caught when she nodded her head “couple of cuts and bruises, nothing serious though” she tried to calm him down.

 

“Ma'am” He said “haunting is pretty routine, it's one of the less dangerous gigs” and he looked her in the eyes “I just wanna find him before he takes on a job that will get him seriously hurt... or worse”.

 

He could see she was abut to cave and he gave her the most sincere look he had and he pleaded with her “please” he croaked out “he's my little brother”.

 

He tanked heaven that she took pity on him and she told him that Sam had said something about a job that was gonna take him south to a little town called Lintown.

 

Dean spent a while on maps, trying to find the hole in the wall town and he sighed relieved when he found it.

 

He broke all speed laws getting there, only grabbing a couple of hours of sleep in the car, not bothering with a motel since he wasn't going to stay in one long and he figured it was better to save money on room fare.

 

The closer he got to the town the more nervous he got, what if Sam ignored him, what if he'd look at him with disgust and hate, Dean didn't know if he could handle Sam's hate.

 

He rolled into town and searched all the motels, pretending to be an FBI agent he asked to see all the guest logs and looked for a familiar name and told them Sam's description, asking the clerks if they had seen anyone who fit that description.

 

At the third hotel he caught a break, the man telling him that the guy he was looking for was staying in room 45.

 

Dean thanked him and slipped him a twenty before he hurried out of the small office and walked to the room the clerk had pointed at.

 

He knocked the door but when there was no answer he took out his lock pick and slipped inside the room.

 

It liked like all the other motels they had stayed at only this one didn't have Sam in it, he looked around and noticed Sam's laptop and duffle bag, clothes strewn around the floor.

 

His brother was still here but he was probably out on the hunt, he walked over to the table and studied the papers Sam had collected on the local bad.

 

“Fuck” He growled as he saw what Sam was hunting “Fuck, Sammy, what the hell were you thinking” he muttered as he leafed through the papers.

 

Sam was hunting a nest of vampires, not one or two, no a whole fucking nest.

 

Dean knew that Sam was good at what he did, he was smart, strong and talented, but no matter how talented he was he couldn't possible take on a whole group of vamps and the last thing Dean wanted to do was decapitate Sam because he got too friendly with a fang.

 

He ran out of the room and jumped into his car to drive to the address on one of the last pages of Sam's research as fast as he could.

 

When he got there he heard stumbling and people yelling and screaming, he cursed loudly and opened the trunk to grab his machete “I'm gonna kill them.... and then I'm gonna kill that little bastard for scaring the Fuck out of me”.

 

He barged into the house, not really caring that maybe he should be taking the stealth approach “wouldn't do that if I were you” he growled to a vampire who had Sam in a headlock and was baring his second set of teeth.

 

His entrance made them flinch and they jumped, Dean took advantage and sliced the first one he encountered, cutting the head clean off his shoulders.

 

Sam had done a good job, from the seven vampires that he started with there were now three left, minus the one Dean just beheaded and with a fierce swing he relieved the second of his head.

 

The only vampire left was the one still holding on to Sam and Dean tried to ignore the stab of raw fear when he saw the knife at his brothers throat “a knife, really” he tried to joke lightly.

 

The vamp gave him a smirk “something tells me that this throat here is more important to you than mine” he growled out and looked down at a barely conscious Sam.

 

Dean had to work to keep his fear and anger under control “let him go” he grunted as he never took his eyes off the knife pressed against Sam's skin, that soft skin that days ago he had been kissing like it was more important than his next breath.

 

The creature smirked and pressed the knife closer to Sam's jugular “sure” he said and in a sudden move he pushed Sam towards Dean.

 

Dean knew that the creature counted on him catching Sam so he did the opposite, he allowed his brother to fall to the floor and he sidestepped the vampire to take his head on in one fluid slash of his knife.

 

The body fell lifelessly to the floor and Dean took another deep breath before he moved over to Sam, he hoisted Sam up against the wall and cupped his brothers face “Sammy” he whispered softly as he stroked the younger man's cheeks with his thumbs.

 

Blurry hazel eyes opened and Dean smiled relieved “Sammy, are you hurt?” he asked as he ran his fingers through dark curls to check for wounds.

 

Sam shook his head but otherwise kept silent “good” Dean said and he helped Sam up to his feet, having a bit of trouble with keeping his brothers large and heavy frame up as Sam leaned heavily on his shoulder.

 

He looked around to confirm all the vampires were dead and he proceeded to guide Sam to the car, not relaxing before he was in the drivers seat with Sam safely beside him in the car.

 

The ride to the motel was quick and he hauled the tall man inside and propped him up on the bed “stay awake” he demanded as he went into the bathroom to get the med kit and a fresh wash cloth.

 

When he walked back into the room Sam was looking at him with a strange look on his face, hazel eyes following his every move “let's get you cleaned up, huh” he whispered and gently washed the blood from Sam's face, glad to see than besides a few bruises and minor cuts his brother was ok.

 

He moved over to Sam's bag and took out a pair of sweats and a clean shirt “come on” he motioned for Sam to stand up “your clothes are covered in blood” and he took Sam's shirt of and threw it on the floor.

 

Sam let him change him into the clean clothes, all the while looking at Dean with that strange look in his eyes, still not saying anything.

 

“Fuck, Sammy” Dean whispered as he ran his thumbs over the black rings under Sam's eyes “no offence, little brother, but you look like shit” and he saw Sam's lips turn into a small smile “you need some sleep”.

 

Dean pushed Sam towards the bed and folded the sheets back so he could push Sam's tall frame under them.

 

He tucked the worn fabric under Sam's chin and crawled onto the bed next to his brother, making sure he was on top of the sheets where Sam was under them and he pulled Sam into a hug, resting the younger man's head on his shoulder.

 

“Just go to sleep, Sammy” he whispered and listened to Sam's breath as it slowed down and evened out, a tear tracked down his cheek, happy and relieved that his brother was alive and well.


	9. Chapter 9

  
Author's notes: new chapter people, enjoy  


* * *

Chapter 9:

 

 

When Dean woke that morning it took him a few seconds to remember where he was as he looked around the room.

 

He noticed that Sam wasn’t on the bed with him anymore and he shot up in bed, afraid that his brother had taken off again.

 

A sigh of relieve left him as he spotted Sam across the room, the younger man was sitting in the only chair the room had and he was watching the bed hesitantly.

 

Dean rubbed his eyes and sat up in the bed “feeling better?” he asked as he got up and walked over to his duffel to pull out a pair of clean shorts and a shirt.

 

Sam didn't answer, all he did was just sit there and watch Dean and it was freaking Dean out a bit “I'mma take a shower, Sammy” he said “we’ll talk after..... You leave again and I'll hunt you down” he warned.

 

He entered the bathroom and took a deep breath to calm himself, on one hand he was deliriously happy that Sam was safe and sound but he didn't know what to do now, how to fix what they had before it all went wrong.

 

He stood under the spray for a long time, contemplating what to say to Sam when he stepped back out into the room but he came up with nothing.

 

Methodically he dried himself off and slipped into the clean clothes he had brought with him and he smelled the shirt “ugh” he said, noticing that he had already worn it so he had to grab another from his bag.

 

His hand hovered over the doorknob for a moment, hesitation running through his body but he gritted his teeth and opened the door to step into the room.

 

Sam was still sitting in the chair wearing the sweats and shirt Dean had put on his the night before and he looked up to meet Dean's eyes.

 

The older brother swallowed hard and threw his dirty shirt and boxers in the duffel for worn clothes before he sat down on the edge of the bed, across from Sam.

 

“Sam” he started and he cursed as he could hear his voice wavering already when his brother’s head shot up and hazel eyes gazed at him.

 

Dean was surprised by the fear in them and he felt a cold grip close around his heart, he could handle anger and disgust, hell he could even handle hate but fear, knowing that the only person in the world he would never want to hurt was afraid of him killed him.

 

“Sammy... I... I'm so sorry” and he felt a tear slip down his cheek “I'm so sorry Sammy, I didn't mean to...... I never wanted this”.

 

The younger man was silent and just looked at Dean, the fear still in his eyes now clouded with a bone deep sadness that took the wind from Jensen's sails.

 

He paused for a moment and got himself back together “can I explain, please Sammy, please let me explain” he begged and when his brother didn't answer he just decided to take the silence as consent.

 

“I took care of you my entire life” He started “for years you were all that mattered and I guess.... I suppose that when I grew up, when we grew up, it turned into something more for me”.

 

He didn't know what Sam was thinking but he couldn't stop now, he needed to keep going “When the doctor let you believe that I was your boyfriend...... I just...” and he sighed “when you kissed me..... I wanted it to be true, never wanted something so bad”.

 

Dean opted not to look at Sam as he spoke because he wouldn't be able to see the look in Sam's eye, that look that would tell him how mad his brother was and how he never wanted to be around Dean ever again.

 

“The doctor told me that I should let you remember on your own so I decided to go along with it, thought what could it hurt to play boyfriends for a while” and he chuckled self-consciously “and then you kissed me.... you kissed me and I just”.

 

He shook his head and looked up “I never meant for it to get this far, never meant for it to end up with us... like that” he said “I just wanted to know what it would feel like, just for a little while”.

 

Dean felt like he was split open raw and he felt the tears sting behind his ears “I never meant to hurt you and I know you probably think it's sick and wrong and I'm disgusting” the tears broke through and he wiped at his cheeks “but Sammy, please, Sammy you have to believe me, I love you and I never meant for you to get hurt”.

 

His head was resting in his hands and he refused to look at Sam, afraid of what he would see in the other man's eyes.

 

He sensed Sam's movement and suddenly there was a strong hand on his arm that pulled him to his feet and he was being pulled up against Sam's broad chest.

 

Green frantic eyes met hazel and Dean stilled in Sam's arms “Do you mean that” Sam's voice was rough and hesitant “yes” Dean choked out “every word” and he tilted his head so he could look into those amazing hazel eyes.

 

A flurry of emotions passed across Sam's face and Dean trembled when large hands cupped his tearstained cheeks “Sam?” he asked unsurely but the younger man just stared into his eyes.

 

Sam stayed silent for a long time, his thumbs caressing the sides of Dean's face and Dean startled when Sam took a deep breath and opened his mouth “there was no memory loss”.

 

Those few words turned Dean's world upside down and he gasped as he tried to back away from Sam.

 

The younger man wouldn't have it though and he held on to Dean, not allowing the older man to leave his grasp “the first few minutes.... I was playing along with the doctor and when I saw that you actually took it serious, that you believed that I had no memory....”

 

Sam's voice wavered and he forced Dean to look him in the eyes “I've been in love with you since we hunted the wendigo, the talking you gave me and then almost losing you to that creature.... I realized”.

 

Dean didn't know what to say, his jaw was practically on the floor as he listened to Sam talk “the past time when we... I never felt like that, Dean and when we made love..... I ran because I was afraid”.

 

Sam's eyes clouded over with tears and he cupped Dean's face “I couldn't handle the thought that the only reason you let me make love to you was some weirdo sense of loyalty on your part” Dean wanted to say something but Sam cut him off “couldn't handle you knowing that I wanted you like that, that you'd look at me in disgust”.

 

“You little son of a bitch” Dean hissed as he grabbed the back of Sam's neck “you little conniving bitch” but his actions belied his words as he pulled Sam's mouth down on his and rested his lips against Sam's.

 

“Fucking asshole, I should kick your ass for playing me like this” Dean muttered against Sam's trembling lips “but really” and he smirked against his brothers lips “there's something I'd rather do” and he used his tongue to part Sam's lips.

 

The younger man let out a sob and he wrapped his arms around Dean's waist while he opened his mouth to let Dean in.

 

Dean lifted his arms and wrapped them around Sam's neck “no more fucking lies” he muttered in between kisses “and I wanna be sure that this is what you really want, Sammy”.

 

Sam pulled back and looked into Dean's eyes “want it” he said “want you... always wanted you and I won't regret this..... never will”.


End file.
